Kmaster's Guide to Trolling

Nicky closed his eyes. The specter of war loomed much too oppressively in his mind. The guttural battle cries that had heralded such violence so recently still resonated in his armor. The enormity of the carnage he had witnessed - nay - committed, forced his eyes open. The young planeswalker scoured the sky for the faintest glimmer of green mana, anticipation wrapped in dread. His senses confirmed his hopes: the Green Sun would not rise for many hours. He would have time to rest and gather his mana, and he would need it. For Nicky knew, as soon as the Green Sun reached its zenith, the lifeless hulk at his feet would be reinvigorated. And it would be back with a vengeance. As Nicky closed his eyes once more, he could hear, as if it were a whisper on the battlefield of tomorrow, a single menacing curse. 

BOLAS!

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Magic trolls are notoriously resilient to removal. They almost always feature regeneration, which allows them to survive the likes of Lightning Bolt and Terror. Often depicted as ugly green creatures, most possessing thick hides, the troll is an iconic creature in Magic.

Real life trolls share many similarities to their fantasy brethren. In fact, this writer posits the two possess similar intellectual capabilities. Every Magic player will encounter several trolls during his time with the game, and knowing how to deal with them can save a lot of headaches. Like any species that has had plenty of time to evolve, there is a great diversity of trolls, here are a few forms trolls can take and how to deal with them.

The "sick rip, lucksack" troll. 

This is probably the most common troll, and can be found lurking online as well as off. The player is usually quite bad at the game, and likes to blame all his losses on variance. And I do mean all his losses. He plays perfectly every game, and only loses because you, his opponent, ripped "runner runner" every time. 

Troll strengths: this type of troll is everywhere, and there is strength is numbers. Eventually, you will get sick of this happening all the time, and you will want to talk back. There's a correct and incorrect way to do this.

Incorrect reaction: attempting to reason with the troll. This is always wrong, and thus will only be stated once. Reasoning with a troll is like feeding the bears. Just don't do it. Using statistics or defending yourself by stating your superior deckbuilding ability will not get you anywhere with this troll.

Correct reaction: ignore the troll. This is easy to do online, as you can simply never say anything. If trolled offline, simply walk away with the match slip after it is signed. If you do not react, the troll will likely not follow you to continue trolling.

Next level reaction: I'm level 4 pro Ari Lax, you weren't winning that game anyways.

The "can't believe I just lost to X" troll.

This troll appears very often online, though is much rarer in offline tournaments. It requires a level of rudeness that isn't as universally accepted as the previous troll's "lucksack" complaints. This type of troll doesn't rely on variance, but rather on intrinsic destiny as basis for his trolling. He is so much more talented than you are, and you are playing such a bad card (for me that was almost always Desecrated Earth), that he can't believe you just beat him.

Troll strengths: this troll is usually a better player than other trolls. His self-aggrandizing attitude probably has basis on a PTQ he top 8'd three years ago. Additionally, the card you just used to beat him was probably quite bad, so his complaints hold some merit.

Incorrect reaction: escalate the encounter by making fun of your opponent's playskill, or pretending like the card you used was any good.

Correct reaction: if you are in a sealed tournament and you respect your opponent, ask him to take a look and suggest replacement cards if he seems like a reasonable person. If you think he's just a donk complaining beause he's a sore loser, ignore him and move on.

Next level reaction: Well, I can't believe it's not butter.

The "shouldn't you write down my decklist so you'll know what to play after I top 8 this PTQ" troll.

This troll was a novelty I've only recently heard of courtesy of Stu Parnes. The scenario was a younger player, playing Faeries, had lost game one to Stu before beating him game 2 with a sideboard Polymorph + Emerakul plan. He then proceeded to become extremely arrogant, extolling his numerous Top 8's, and asked Stu the eponymous question.

Troll strengths: the troll has probably just beaten you in a game, so his gloating, while insufferable, is somewhat justified. The troll also probably does have some tournament success, though never anywhere close to what his bragging would indicate.

Incorrect reaction: throw your deck at him.

Correct reaction: crush him in game 3. Two rounds later, go up to him when he is X-3 and ask to see his decklist before the Top 8 begins.

Next level reaction: lose game 3 because you mulliganed to 4. Calmly explain to your opponent that he should not be so arrogant because it is a dead giveaway to experienced players that he is not an experienced player. Attempt to help him out by teaching him his gloating is unnecessary and bad for his development as a player. When the troll refuses to listen, deftly pull out box of 9 PTQ Top 8 pins and dump them on the table.

The "need one more?" troll.

This troll exists exclusively offline. When you and your friends are planning to draft or other group activity, this troll will use his psychic abilities to be there at exactly the moment this is going down. He will inevitably ask to join.

Troll strengths: this troll is likely a permanent fixture at your local gaming store. Part of the reason he always manages to appear at the most inconvenient times is because he's always there, trolling other people. The troll is also resilient, and will keep asking over and over again.

Incorrect reaction: allow him to join you. Do not, under any circumstances, do this. He could be a vampire and inviting him to your house could end up disastrously.

Correct reaction: claim no knowledge of the activity, or say that there is already 8 in the queue. Leave quickly to avoid further questions.

Next level reaction: What are you doing here? I didn't invite you.

The "wanna see my collection?" troll.

This troll is all about bragging rights. He doesn't care if you actually want to see his cards. He's just doing it so he can show off that altered Force of Will or his three pieces of power. While you don't care about his pack to power, it's considered quite rude to just blatantly say so.

Troll strengths: the troll is extremely persistent. If you avoid the situation by indicating you have something else to do, the troll will pursue you at the next possible opportunity. 

Incorrect reaction: saying yes immediately. This will only cause the troll to continue bugging you more in the future. And much more frequently.

Correct reaction: say you are busy a few times. Then agree to look at the collection, pretend to be interested, then say something like "cool, I see you have 25 Windbrisk Raptors, I'll take a look again when you have 100." This gives the troll a goal to work for and he will likely not bother you again until that goal is met.

Next level reaction: Nice taunt, ya freak!

The "this one time, at the pro tour" troll.

This troll is much more common than the title would suggest. The "pro tour" can be replaced by "Daily Event", "PTQ", "Standard Singleton PE", ad nauseum. The troll will inevitably follow the titular line with a story he blieves is interesting, but nobody else actually cares about.

Troll strengths: the troll feels a sense of entitlement, having either money'd the pro tour or 3-1'd a Daily. He will be so convinced in his greatness that you will not be able to sway him away from telling his tale.

Incorrect reaction: giving positive feedback to the troll. Feigning interest in the story will only encourage him to tell it more often in the future.

Correct reaction: Hey dude, that was a super cool story, you should tell it more often. With as much sarcasm as you can muster.

Next level reaction: Bingo! *

This concludes my guide to trolling. Hopefully you've had a few laughs, and picked up some useful tips for your future encounters with trolls. All comments are welcome. If there are other topics you'd like to see covered, feel free to contact me via facebook or email.

* Ari Lax has a bingo board. Every time he says "this one time, at the pro tour", "this one time, playing Faeries", "this one time, I beat Tomoharu Saito", and various other phrases you get to place a chip down on the bingo board.